My sisters and I used to go to our dad's house every other weekend. He'd left us and our mother when I was 4 or 5. We'd sleep in the extra bedroom, all three of us in one bed. When I'd get scared of the dark or of an unfamiliar noise, I'd cover my eyes with my Snoopy's ear. I don't know what I thought that would really do, but it always made me feel better. If I can't see it, it's not there!
I still have that Snoopy, and I sleep with him whenever I feel sad or lonely. He's been there through most of my life. I've never been good at sharing my feelings with most people. I always felt I'd be mocked, as I often was by my sisters. I love them both, but I've spent my life feeling terrible about myself because of them (among other things). Always scared to express myself or try new things or meet new people. Afraid to be vulnerable. To speak my thoughts out loud, good or bad.
It's why I always want to make other people feel good about themselves, especially when they've done something dumb or something bad happens. I make up silly worst case scenarios so they'll either laugh or realize everything could be worse. I minimize their mistakes, telling them it could happen to anyone and that they're not the first or last person to make that mistake. I do the things for them that I wish people would do for me. If I know someone well enough, I can even excuse their sometimes shitty behavior because I can see how they arrived in that place.
I don't always give myself that benefit of the doubt. It is the worst case scenario. It is all my fault. How could I be so stupid? Why am I never enough? Why am I so forgettable?
Covering my eyes and pretending it's not there doesn't make it go away. I'm an adult and I know better. I have to keep my eyes open and face unpleasant things and keep going on with my life. I know I have to work at feeling better about myself and being more positive. Some days, though, I just want Snoopy's ear, covering my eyes in the dark, making it all better.
The actual Snoopy
