I am ridiculous

Every so often I get the idea in my head that my dad didn't actually die. He just faked his own death and went away. As horrible as it would be for him to have purposely left us again, sometimes it makes me feel better about him being gone. Like there's hope that he'll be back one day.

???

I either ask no questions or I ask too many questions. There isn't much in between. Sometimes that ends up being too many questions for some people's liking. But today it seems like I finally asked the right person the right question at the right time.

All I did was ask my acupuncturist how she arrived at this career. She told me that she was actually 4th generation, but that it was never something she wanted to do. She wanted to be a DJ scratching records. Then a documentary filmmaker. She tried to get in during the writers' strike, but couldn't even get a PA job. She was unhappy and had a realization that she was looking for happiness outside herself and that wasn't making anything better. She wanted to help people and did that by working for non-profits. After a while, she wanted to help in a more tangible way, though, and that led her to acupuncture and Eastern medicine.

What did I get from this? One, stop looking for happiness outside myself. Two, your path may be roundabout (or a full-on windy road), but you'll get where you're supposed to be eventually.

Illogical conclusions

My friend told me that he had eight teeth pulled, but gave no further details. That left me with so many questions. Why so many teeth? Did he have too many teeth? Did he eat too much candy? When did this happen? Were they all pulled at the same time? He currently appears to have a full set of teeth. The only logical conclusion is that he's part shark and had rows and rows of teeth, so pulling eight teeth was like pulling one tooth from a non-shark person. 

I have very strong opinions about maybe five things in the world, and parades are one of them. I hate parades. Why are people getting up early to get a spot sitting on the curb? Who wants to line the street to look at someone ride by on a horse or see the high school marching band? I don't understand the allure of standing on the street watching people do (boring) things when you could actually be doing something. In the town where I live, most parades actually result in me being trapped on my street for at least half the day (I'm pretty sure that's not exactly legal). I know this makes no sense when I'm perfectly fine with watching TV and movies. But whatever, I hate parades. They're a good time to go on rides at Disneyland. 😉

My cat is super lazy and won't even walk over to her own food bowl to eat. I carry her to her dish half the time. I've tried to talk sense into her. I told her she's not an invalid, so I won't be carrying her to her food anymore. That didn't seem to work for some reason...

I can't watch the news anymore because it's too maddening to hear what's become "normal" in this country. I actively avoid most of the news because it's one thing after another designed to distract from the really egregious actions behind the scenes. Does nobody else hear how dumb it sounds when the anchorperson starts a sentence with "President Trump tweeted..."? What the hell has this world come to? Are people in this country actually this stupid, racist, sexist, homophobic, and gullible?

I'm going to New Orleans in two weeks!!! I'm excited to play softball there, but I'm more excited to eat. Hushpuppies, beignets, barbecue, whatever else looks good when I get there. Mmmmmm...food (insert Homer Simpson drooly face/noises here). My doctor said if I only gain five pounds while I'm there, he'll consider it a success- he even recommended a couple of restaurants to try. Permission!!!

Amigas...Hermanas

So I was driving to work on Thursday and something made me think of my friend Claudia. We've been friends for 30 years. We've lived several states apart- while in high school and before the dawn of social media- and we kept in touch and have always been able to pick up right where we left off. She's like a sister I got to choose. I don't know what I'd do without her.

Anyway, I started thinking about our friendship. She's always there with advice, to hear out my nonsense, to support me, and help me through whenever I'm down. I feel like I'm always falling back into being a mess and she's there to talk me through it. When I feel like I'm an awful person for thinking or saying something, she assures me that she has had the exact same thought or said something even worse or done something more embarrassing.

But what do I do for her? I couldn't think of a damn thing. That can't be the case, though, right? If it is, I don't know how we've maintained this friendship for so long.

This thought had me in tears and I was crying nearly all the way to work (damn having all these feelings again!). Which made me feel like an idiot...and grateful that I was wearing waterproof mascara for a change.

I still couldn't figure out what I bring to the relationship. I wanted to ask, but I felt like it would make her upset to know that I felt this way- she's good like that. I mean, nobody's in it for the cookies I make or to come over and visit my cats, and people really don't want to hear my worst-case scenarios, even if they're at least a little bit funny. Maybe it's that I don't judge her...and that we can silly-judge people we don't know. Or that we've known each other through almost every stage of our lives and somehow we still fit together?

Gah, the joys of being exhausted...

Reminders

All kinds of random things make me think of my friends. Actually, they're really not random things at all; they're very specific things. Things that other people might not even notice, like the way a person walks, or a word I've only heard one person use. A speech pattern, a facial expression, the way they tell a story. The silly jokes only they laugh at, the reactions they hope to get from me when they say certain things. The way they stand...a trick I picked up in high school trying to recognize people from a distance. Capri Sun. A movie we watched together, a song we both love. Car sing-alongs. Pez dispensers and broken toes. A whole summer of A's games in the bleachers pre-Mount Davis.

Where is this going? I don't know. I just hope people notice these weird little things about me too.

Horsey Business

I drive past a field of horses every morning on my way to work. Some days as I drive past, I see several horses gathered around another horse who is standing on a raised patch of land. It looks like they're having a meeting and it makes me laugh. But what are they discussing?

Are they discussing the plans for the day's work? Doling out responsibilities? "Hey Bill, it's your turn to knock over the water bucket. Fred, you'll be working with Bob today to scare the cows."

Is it serious business? Maybe they're discussing overthrowing their evil overlords and running free onto the road. Plotting their escape from this fenced-in life. Or just running across to play with the horses on the other side of the road.

Perhaps it's less significant than all that. Is it just a gossip circle? They're just talking smack about the new horse across the street? Speculating on who's mating with who? And about who wants to mate with who. Are they discussing the delicious alfalfa dinner they ate last night? Asking for advice about what they can do about their obnoxious yearling? Locking him in the stable just isn't making him behave!

Or maybe it's like most meetings I've been to...a little bit of all of the above.

It's also entirely possible that they're just horses, doing nothing, who happen to be standing in a formation that looks like a meeting to me. I don't care that this is the most logical answer...I still prefer to think it's a meeting.

Edith

See this t-shirt? There's a story behind it. Not a long one, but it's one that makes me smile a little bit.

My grandma, my dad's mother, was diagnosed with cancer a couple of years ago and my mom was taking care of her. She vacillated between being appreciative and being a total jerk, as was her way. My mother was exhausted beyond belief, so once things were more stable and my grandma was settled back in at home, my mom went out of town for a few days. She asked me and my sisters to take turns going to change grandma's dressings and to check up on her. I went to see her after work one day and found her on the couch not feeling great. She was tired and I think a little bored. I'd brought her water and the yogurt parfaits that she liked so much. She didn't have much appetite but promised she'd eat it later. We chit-chatted a little before we got down to business. I changed the dressings on her chest then off I went to her closet to find a clean shirt for her. I looked through her closet and found this, the softest t-shirt she owned. It also happened to be oddly appropriate for the occasion. She loved it.♥

My grandma's cancer progressed really quickly and she died about a week or two later. She'd always been a difficult woman and wasn't always the nicest person. She had her moments, though, and this was one of them. When I wear this t-shirt, I'm reminded of grandma Eadie's good moments and forget about the rest for a little while.☺

Things I'd say if I wasn't a nice person

I'll add as things come up since these just pop into my head when I see something...


I'd rather walk up 4 flights of stairs carrying canned cat food than get in the elevator with that tightly-pantalooned douche in the lobby. (I sound strangely like my sister April when I'm an asshole)

hbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb (Looks like my Leonard felt like typing)

Your husband looks like he cuts his own hair. Or like your 2 year old did.

Get your poop ass out of my face Sheldon! (I actually said that, though)

More duck face selfies and gigantic way too high eyebrows. Why are we friends again?

Apostrophe s does not make it plural. Taco's does NOT mean more than one taco!

It's supposedly NOT supposably.

I block some of my friends' posts on Facebook so that I can continue to like them in real life.

Enough with your valley girl bitch accent. You sound rude even when you're being polite.

Why do you wear heels that make it look like you don't know how to walk? It's not cute.

Stop yelling at your girlfriend...she should be yelling at you about those sideburns.

If you weren't such a dumbass we wouldn't be in this situation.

Can you say hypocrite? (This one I'm not saying just to keep the peace...)

About a boy...or seven

First there was the musician. A little older, probably way cooler. Broadened my taste in music quite a bit. That lasted about a year and a half, then it got too serious. Too claustrophobic. I ended it. Later, I guess we sort of got back together? One day he dropped to one knee to propose and my response was, "oh shit." I told him I'd think about it, but I knew the answer right then. He had already decided that he could dictate who I could be friends with and I literally felt like saying "you're not the boss of me." So I ended it for good. There was some drama, some stalking (fun times), some running away from the situation, a beaten up friend, and an overnight stay in jail for the ex. 

Then there was the way too old one. Not sure what the reasoning was there, other than he liked me and I went with it. He was drunk most of the time to the point where he couldn't speak. Hot. I stuck it out for three years, then I was through. I still lived in our apartment when he moved in his new girlfriend. A woman I already knew...I warned him she was trouble, but I guess he had to learn that on his own. I moved out but I still have some very good friends who are like family that I met through him. 

Next was the long distance guy...Reno. It was great for a while, he was busy with work and school, and he was silly and fun. We talked on the phone every night. He was a destination boyfriend, a mini vacation every month, and I learned how to play Texas Hold'em. ☺ Then he moved back to the bay area. And was a lazy bump on a log. He just sat around his dad's house and would call me at work to ask what I was doing while he was eating breakfast at 3 in the afternoon. If I wanted to do anything other than sit around at his dad's house, I had to pay for us to do it, but he had plenty of money for weed. This was over after he let his family tease me to the point that I was in tears and he did nothing to stop them. Like a jerk, I ended it via email. Very classy of me. 

The next two, I always forget who came first...I think the weirdo. I'm not sure why we liked each other...well, I know why I liked him. He was one of those people that it's hard to get to know and hard to get them to like you, and for whatever reason, he enjoyed my silliness. He was a somewhat anti-social, tattooed and pierced cokehead, and just really weird. I didn't know about the cokehead part for a long time (I'm clueless on knowing if people are using drugs). He was always more into me privately than in public and would ignore me most of the time when we went out. This one didn't last too long. He dumped me basically by ghosting me (as the kids say these days). We did get back together for another short ill-fated go-round about a year later with an almost identical ending. Didn't stop him from calling me every time he was in a bad situation...but by the end of the back and forth, I was done with his BS and wasn't falling for it anymore. He's the reason getting back together with an ex sounds like the worst idea ever. 

So I guess either in between or after weirdo, there was the recently divorced guy. He's the best friend of one of my good friends. We met and got along really well, so I invited him, his friend, and my friend and her hubby over for dinner. And everyone flaked except RDG, and the friends' plan worked (they admitted to this later). He was funny and sweet, his mom was great, we got along well and even my sisters liked him. Then he had to go do his taxes or finalize divorce paperwork or something with his ex-wife and realized he wasn't ready for a relationship. Broke up with me out of the blue one night. We stayed friends- he invited me to visit him in Seattle while he was there for work and took me to a Mariners game each day I was there. Apparently he told our mutual friend that we would have gotten back together had I said anything while I was in Seattle. I regretted saying nothing for a while, but I'm glad I didn't. He's kind of a drunk who says pretty shitty things when he's drinking. Not my cup of tea. 

Then there was hot neighbor. He actually did live right next door to me. He was a nice guy, but he cared too much about what other people thought. He literally told me he couldn't wear flip flops to Trader Joe's with a scratch on his foot, because WHAT WOULD PEOPLE THINK??? Um, probably nothing if they even noticed your foot at all. After saying that, he had the nerve to tell me I cared too much what other people thought. He decided to break up with me the same week I was laid off from my job and had to put in notice on my apartment. He asked me to stay with him in his apartment to help me out, but he made it into a big weird secret that none of his friends knew about...until I went out with their girlfriends and they figured it out. It was really funny realizing how much I'd overlooked when I still liked him- he was pretty dumb. I'd hear him on his conference calls trying to use big words and using them all wrong. And he said "supposably." Good thing he was pretty, I guess?

I guess the next one was my last one. He's a nice guy, very generous, and everybody likes him. Just not much of a communicator. We met playing softball against each other. Before we were officially boyfriend and girlfriend, we'd already played a tournament together. This one lasted for about six and a half years until I realized I needed more to be happy (and got up the nerve to do something about it). As considerate as he was of his friends' time, he couldn't care less about mine. I never really knew if he would show up or not on any given night. I don't think he was trying to be a jerk, he just took it for granted that I'd always be around. He's a few years younger than I am and maybe that was part of the divide or maybe there was just a difference in attitudes. Maybe it was the Gemini in him. Once we fell into the friend zone, there was no getting out of it. I know I hurt him and I felt terrible about it, but I think it's what need to happen for both of us. 

I'd say at least half of these relationships started because I thought there was enough wrong with these guys that they'd be able to like someone like me. Now I know that was a huge mistake and wasn't going to help any of these relationships work out in the long run. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I'm pretty great (most days). I'm by no means perfect and I definitely have my flaws, but I'm funny and smart, I have a job and pay my own bills, I'm good to my friends, and I bake yummy treats. There's no need to settle for good enough (bad enough?). 

So that's my story in boys...

Walk in the park

Reasons I'm glad I didn't talk myself out of walking at Lake Chabot this morning

* I found my purple jacket
* Good mornings from strangers
* A happy smiling dog gave me a good hand-sniffing hello
* A tiny baby bunny hopping around by the side of the trail
* Directing a lost man toward the lake
* Smiles from more than one jogger...they usually just ignore the walkers
* Nice views of the lake and trees
* The jogger's tank top that I initially thought said Run turned out to say Rum ☺
* One full hour of uninterrupted music
* More happy smiling dogs
* Two dogs wearing backpacks!
* I made it all the way up the big hill without stopping to rest ☺☺☺
* I feel awake!!!

I forgot...I also saw a dog that looked like Chewbaca.

What fresh hell is this?

I hope my boobs don't hang down to my waist when I'm old. I really hope there was NOT a bra involved in the situation I saw earlier today.

I love frozen pizza more than the pizza from most restaurants. I have no idea why.

I wonder if anyone will ever love me as much as my cat Sheldon does. She eats my hair while I sleep and puts her dirty butt in my face, though, so slightly less love could be a good thing.

I talk to my cats as if they understand me. Like full on conversations and asking them what they want.

What if we're just part of somebody's dream and we're not real? What happens when the dreamer wakes up? Do we disappear? Do we pop up in someone else's dream? Maybe our lives are really just us moving from dream to dream in a continuously shared dream journey among all the people (aliens? monsters? other beings?) dreaming about us. Maybe that's why life can seem so disjointed...

S'mores anything...with peanut butter. Yum.

I could eat nachos every day, but I won't. I want my pants to fit.

I had the morning news on last weekend, and  a televangelist show came on after the news ended. I'm not into that stuff, but I did catch one useful piece of advice: Remember who you are.

If you have to decide between doing two things, and doing one thing might land you on Judge Judy or Maury Povich, do the other thing!